Making the Best of It

Sure, divorce sucks.. Who am I kidding.. Divorce Fucking sucks.. Theres no sugar coating it, or saying it was easy. Because its not. Divorce Sucks. Got it? Get it? Now Move on.

There is so much you can dwell about divorce. But there is so much more to be happy about. Thankful even.

My marriage wasn't the greatest. It was more convenience than happiness, and more of settling than love. But I don't regret it. Not yesterday. Not now. Not even tomorrow or the days to come. Yes, even though it ended in divorce. I wouldn't do it over.

Why you ask?

Well..

Had I not gotten married behind my parents back December 9, 2009. (They received a text message that I got married. To someone they never even met, let alone even knew I was dating). I probably would still be an excessive partier, working two worthless jobs. Yes two worthless jobs, one at 7:30am at a old folks home making breakfast for people who screamed if the eggs weren't perfectly round or didn't look the same as yesterday. And one pretty awesome job, yet worthless at a bar. Didn't get off work until 3am. After work, I hung out, drank and did it over again.

Before getting married, I was chaos. I had no clue what I wanted in life (yes, I still don't know, but I have a whole lot more passion, motivation and hell even some sort of direction). I was dating the same people over and over again getting nowhere. Hurting people because I didn't know what the hell I wanted. Broke the same guys heart a dozen or so times because I was just so young, dumb and confused.

Marriage changed me. It took 3 years. In those three years I went through more than I did my entire life. Three years that not only made me find who I really was, but made me grow up. In those three years, I lived the best years of my life. And the worst.

Three years. So much can happen. Heres a quick summary. Almost set our kitchen on fire. Hit rock bottom (and yes, want to kill myself rock bottom), a whole lot of therapy.. (lots of it and I am not ashamed of it), about 3 different times we separated, a move across country from Alabama to Alaska, then 2 more moves in Alaska, pregnancy, deployment, injuries during deployment including TBI, a dog that was killed and finally.... Divorce. And yet another two moves.

Why don't I regret it since there was so much negative life events. Because it made me who I am today. Strong.

I don't dwell about it. I most definitely don't regret it.

During the three years as an "Army Wife". I became independent. I learned not to rely on others to get something done. I learned that if I wanted something, I needed to figure out a way to do it. Being an Army wife, gave me amazing opportunities. How many people can travel the US and live in amazing locations like Alaska and not have to worry about finding a job there?

Why don't I regret divorce?

Because I have so much to be thankful for and so many people who I would of never met otherwise.

The friends I met during those three years, are now considered my family. They lost the word friend quickly and became sisters. They got my through the hardest times of my life, and the best times of my life. These girls not only helped me grow as a person, they helped raise my son. If you were to ask my son who raised him, he'd easily have 7 motherly figures to thank.

There is no way I could regret the reason that I made these friends, or the reason that I have a son to raise. Sure I'm doing it 'alone', but I'm really not. I am thankful for everything I have gone through in order to be where I am today.

If I didn't get married. I wouldn't be strong, independent, passionate, motivated and courageous. I wouldn't have the desire to try new things, and push myself harder and towards new goals.

If I didn't get married, I wouldn't of gotten divorced. And then I wouldn't be me. And I can finally say, I am so happy with who I am today. I thank my ex-husband for forcing me (unknowingly of course) that I am strong and I can do whatever I put my mind to. I don't need anyone to be happy. Because I am happier than ever, and in the best place of my life.

You just got to make the best of what life throws your way. Move forward. And move on. You determine your happiness.

Juggling Life and adding more

There comes a time when I get into these moods about being proactive about life, and making changes.

Sure, I'm on my health kick once again. You know, join every fitness blog, Facebook page, buy every product on the shelf recommended and go full force.

Well, the fitness obsession might actually stay. It's a huge stress relief and losing 9 1/2 pounds since August isn't bad either. Sure, life kinda helped. You know the raising a son alone, barely eating because of a few reasons. Some of these reasons can include:
1) Forgetting to eat, because every time I go to make my food, my one year old is flipping shit.
2) Not having money to eat (yes I could eat ramen noodles or what not, but hell I'm vegetarian and picky as hell).
3) Just not even wanting to.

But, now that finances are in order, and food is usually in my fridge, if not then I'm just to lazy to drag a pissed off, terrible twos toddler, into a grocery store (Let alone in public).

Anyways, recently I've been thinking about going to school again. I have 52 credits towards my ridiculous goal of getting a dual bachelors in Business and Sociology. Lets just say wishful thinking. So I get all excited, pepped up and research classes, costs etc.

Then I wake up the next day, 4:30 am. Start my day. Deal with my psycho, hyped up dog. Feed my crying cat who is all up in my face until she gets what she wants and gives me her attitude until she gets it. Once 5am comes, I am finally getting my coffee and becoming human. Shower, get ready, etc. By 6:30 my son is awake, usually screaming, crying and throwing himself on the floor until he gets juice. (Recently he has been throwing himself into the fridge and dangling himself from the handle). Leave the house by 7am. Etc. Head to work. Deal with that excitement. And then repeat the morning but at night. A few tantrums, trying to make dinner. And getting my son to bed by 7:30. Every night.
(This would be a good day, usually it's barely get out of bed at 6:30. Be lucky to get old coffee reheated, and brush my teeth, throw hair in bun and get kid all cute).

After my ridiculous days, I think. When the hell would I get time to even go to school. My life as usual revolves around someone else. Sure, before I was a mom I was an Army Wife. And no it didn't define me, but it sure as hell decided where I would be, and how long I'd be there. Now, my focus is my son. As much as I would love to go back to school, I think to myself.... How?! How the heck am I going to make time for it, dedicate myself to it. I barely stay awake past 9pm now.

Sure, this might seem like a rant post. But it's not. It's that being a single mom isn't about yourself. It's about your child, and the person you want them to become. I think, if I added another thing to my list, I would get frustrated.

Tonight, instead of reading, showering or doing something for myself. I sat with my hysterical son, coughing so much, to the point of throwing up. Reminding myself, that he is my life. The reason I want to be around. The reason I started working out so hard and pushing myself more so than yesterday.

My 25 pound, semi-healthy son. He is my world. He is worth putting my life on hold for. Sure things will eventually settle down, and I will put myself first. But right now, he is my focus. And that's okay. I don't want to be juggling life and more. I want to be able to watch him grow up. And I want to be able to put stuff aside to rock him to sleep, even though he can't stand the snuggles.

Is it the life I envisioned for myself. No...

But I wouldn't change it for the world. And I don't mind putting my life on hold in order to not miss my sons. Every day he is changing, growing and becoming a little bit older, wiser and more independent. In the blink of an eye, he won't be what he was yesterday.

A Month of Thanks...and Cooking!

Usually in November, Facebook statuses are filled with 30 days of thanks. Sure,  I think it's great that everyone says what they are thankful for. Although, I suck at commitments like that, so I don't even try. Although, there is one thing I am beyond thankful for. Yesterday, while messing around in the kitchen, making a fancy, unusual type of special breakfast,  I was thinking. I was so thankful that I was able to find my way around the kitchen. Coming from a family that built the most incredible dream kitchen, complete with two microwaves. Only to use the two microwaves. (Yes this is true!)

Back in grade school I was asked what I was thankful for. Being young and well honest, I said "Jerry's Deli and take-out". Jerry's Deli was a restaurant that delivered to my house growing up often and well take-out, yea thats pretty to the point. Growing up was microwaved dinners, take-out and Jerry's Deli. No home cooked meals, unless we were at someone's house for dinner.

Here's the thing, in twenty-somthing years, my parents have never cooked for me. It wasn't because we didn't have money, or because they were to busy. No. It's because my mom and dad couldn't cook if their lives depended on it. They know it, family knows it. Everyone pretty much knows that if it's a pot luck, mom would bring a frozen yogurt pie and her 'homemade Cesar salad'. My dad's cooking was pasta, sometimes burnt but still edible.

Earlier this month my mom came to visit for a week. The week that when my mom was here, my son lived on turkey sandwiches, string cheese and pretzels. (Giving a toddler pretzels is probably one of the grossest, messiest foods). Of course my mom felt like super grandma, taking care of her precious grandson she barely sees. While feeding him one of his gourmet turkey sandwich meals, she makes the comment of the century. "This is more than I cooked for you in 27 years". Yep, even she knew she didn't cook, and sucked at it.

Besides the fun background, I am able to find my way around the kitchen. Am I good at it? That's questionable.

Sure, when I first got married, I tried to be super wife. Complete with cooking home made egg rolls, and set our kitchen on fire. Ended up in the ER, then driving to the opposite side of Georgia for surgery on my hand and side. But I tried. Sure it was an awful way to start our marriage, not even 3 months into it. We got married in December of 2009, this was February. I'm pretty sure my ex-husband was horrified of what he just married.

It took months for me to feel safe in the kitchen. Eventually I sucked it up and started easy (microwave and oven). A few years later, divorce and a kid. I figured it's time to learn.

Yes, I don't eat meat anymore. I also have to figure out toddler friendly foods for a picky eater, with insane allergies to food. But it's doable.

I have my handy dandy cook books, and a toddler willing to accept his mom is not a chef.

We aren't starving. Yes, the fire alarm goes off daily (No this is not a joke). And Yes, it's sometimes burnt or under cooked. But I try, and we are fed.

I am thankful. I am thankful I am willing to try. I'm thankful I don't have my moms 'wonderful' cooking skills. I'm thankful that I figured out how to grow up, figure out allergy friendly, low fat foods for us. I'm thankful for nap time to prep foods and meal plan.

All in all. I'm thankful for cooking. It keeps me sane.

Who would of thought. After the history I've had with cooking, that it would be one of the most important aspects of my life.

Oh The Bad Days!!

Sometimes I wonder if life is just a bad joke, then I remember that the day will eventually be over. I've found the hardest part about not having a significant other, is those days... The bad ones. Those days like yesterday, Maniac Monday as my co-worker calls it. The kind of day that at 10AM, crawling under your desk is the most reasonable request at the time. Maniac Monday. Boy was it just a disaster. As if it being Monday wasn't bad enough, work was just chaotic. This is pretty normal. After work, I picked up my almost two year old from day care. He was all happy as usual. The moment we got to the car, all hell broke loose. The crying and tantrum started, and not just little screams here and there. He was screaming, top of the lungs, red in the face, gasping for air screaming. After already having an iffy crappy day, I was just not in the mood. Half way on our drive home, I gave in. Usually Landon will calm down after a call to Grandma, and her awful singing voice. But couldn't reach grandma, and in all honesty the thought of hearing her terrible singing was not making me any less stressed. So I did what any, overly stressed, borderline breakdown, single mom would do. I called for reinforcement, to the ex-husband. Does it happen often, absolutely not. I do try to keep them in contact, but he's so busy, I gave up. So in hopes maybe hearing his dad would calm him down, I called the ex-husband. Thankfully, he answered, after a 5 minute conversation with his dad, the kiddo calmed down. For those five minutes. And so it began, more screaming.

We got home, with a still screaming kid. Of course once we were home, the tantrum got worse. The terrible twos, let’s throw ourselves on the floor, kick and scream kind. But sure, dinner still had to be made. So with my kid having problems, dinner got started. Of course I had to try to me mom of the year, with semi-homemade soup, an extreme salad with a dozen ingredients, chicken nuggets for the kiddo, and a side of veggies. Half way through dinner, once the blender was plugged in. Sparks started shooting out, blew a fuse or two, and half of my kitchen was then useless. Thankfully dinner was pretty much done, I was terrified, and Landon was still screaming. At this point, wine and crying sounded amazing. But no breakdown, a quick Facebook vent about wanting my friends, and got back to the nightmare. Landon went to be an hour early that night, I needed the break. I was more frustrated than helpful and I needed the quiet before I lost my mind. I don't think I ever felt like I needed help this bad, until last night. It was just one thing after another, and it didn't stop. In Alaska, when life got chaotic, I called the best friend or the group of Sisters as I'll call them. Either way, whoever I called, one of two things happened. Option 1: They came over, took Landon to play, and gave me time alone. Option 2(This was was more of a every other day type deal): I called them, they would invite me over with my hysterical son, provide me dinner, and much needed quiet time or crying time. Regardless, I always felt better after it all. And I always had them to call for help. I didn't have that. Sure I could call who ever I wanted. I didn't have anyone to come save me, or go run to in order to be fed. I survived, barely, but I did.

When I would have usually downed half a bottle of wine, I didn't even open the wine. Maybe I felt like it would of been out of control, or maybe I just knew it wouldn't solve anything. Instead of drinking, I got some motivation from some super healthy, fit, motivational, Army Wives. (I still talk to Army wives). That’s right! I worked out. And worked out is quite the understatement, I was angry, frustrated and stressed. I tried a new type of work out, HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training). After 45 minutes of pushing myself, more than ever. I felt amazing, no stress and not upset anymore. It was a high, feeling like I achieved something, and proved myself wrong. Sure, I pushed myself to muscle failure, but apparently it's awesome for your body to get muscle failure 2 times a week. (I'm not a doctor so don't take any advice from me, but it was AWESOME!).

There I was, soaked in sweat, excited and feeling amazing. I didn't think going to bed on a good note was possible, but I went to bed in a great mood and ready to take on what Tuesday had to offer. I felt awful for putting Landon to bed in a bad mood, so I went into his room, got him out of his crib, hugged him, gave kisses and said "I'm sorry". And back to sleep he went. I felt so much better, and no one went to sleep on bad terms.

What I learned, was more valuable than anything before. I don't need my friends to come save me, yes they are amazing to call and vent to, and cry to. But in the end, it is just me and Landon. And I won't get those breaks, or the help from a husband. But, I don't need them. I can do it, on my own.

The Move That Changed Our Lives

There I was early April, packing my bags preparing for the move of a lifetime. The hardest part wasn't leaving my husband at the time. It was leaving my friends. The friends that I went through pregnancy, deployment, and the hardest times of my life with. The friends that helped raise my newborn, helped through the failing marriage, and kept my spirits high.  The week before I left was full of packing, a lot of it. And a good bye surprise party hosted by the most amazing friends. Early April morning, my best friend came to pick us up and a ton of stuff. Thankfully, she had the Suburban, that was pushing it. Only a best friend would pick up her broken hearted friend, her one year old son, a dog, cat, stroller, car sear, three bags of luggage, diaper bag, and a huge backpack. I cried at the airport, I couldn't believe I was saying good bye to my best friend, and life. For the past three years, all I knew was the military life style. Saying goodbye. I looked like a crazy person, stressed out checking in, baby still with my best friend as she said 'see you later' to him. It was chaos and one of the most stressful moments in my life. Once checked in, I went to get my son, holding back tears and hugged my best friend one last time. I couldn't believe it, I was getting on a plane and leaving the life I once had and starting over. 

I found a place to live rent free, was it ideal no but it worked. Am I going to get into it, maybe at another time. But I got a job about a week and a half after being in KS. After a few months working I finally had the money to move. I found a duplex and rented it. So here I am, my almost two year old and I. Working full time, he is in a daycare that I can barely afford and we're making it work. 

There are so many possibilities that the future holds. It won't be easy, but it will all happen in time. And eventually I will find the happiness once again. Until then, I will continue enjoying every moment I have with my son, working hard and pushing myself to grow as a mom and individual every day. 

In the Beginning

Divorce. No one thinks they are going to be going through one. Ever. Most people tell themselves they won't go through it. I was one of those people. I always told myself I won't get divorced. I'll make it work. Well, I was wrong. 

I got married fast. To a man I barely knew. Yes that was my mistake, but he was this 'amazing' Army Soldier. He was everything I didn't have in the past, the good boy. I always went for the bad boys. He was different. There was no engagement. We woke up on December 9, 2012. Rolled over and said "lets get married". So we did. We went to the courthouse, where the judge called him cheap for not having a ring.

The first year of marriage he was rarely home. He was a Drill Sergeant, working pathetic hours. How could we fight if we weren’t together, well we didn't. I was working full time and he was practically living at work. The normal thing for Drill Sergeants. Year two wasn't bad. The fighting started, but we figured it was stress. There were problems with finances or lack there of, miscommunication, lying, a short separation and well a pregnancy. I was over joyed with the pregnancy; he was scared. While in Alabama, we tried a few separate times to see a marriage counselor. But there was always an excuse on why he couldn't go. I ended up giving up about the fixing the marriage at that point and accepted that’s how it was supposed to be. During all of these 'fun' marriage problems and pregnancy, he got orders to Alaska. 

We packed up and moved across the Country. To Alaska... Talk about wanting to kill each other. Pregnancy, stress, an already semi-broken marriage is stressful enough. Add 3 dogs, a cat and a drive that lasted over a week and a half, in a Jetta. Not ideal if you ask anyone. 

Once in Alaska, he got deployment orders. Add deployment to the mix of chaos. And more tension, lack of communication and more issues arose. I didn't want to be the wife that filed for divorce during deployment, or while pregnant with our child. I wanted to make it work. Well during deployment he got injured. His vehicle drove over an IED and he ended up with Traumatic Brain Injury. Completed the 10 month deployment though and came home with the rest of the brigade.

After a rocky homecoming, awkwardness and just more tension because he felt he was fine when in reality he needed to take his injury more seriously. It was a few months of a lot of fighting, resentment and just an even worse marriage then before. We both did the "lets make it work for our son" deal. Well that didn't work and it was a joke to think we would put our son through the fighting we went though together. 

Soon after, we filed for divorce. Nothing messy, we agreed on everything. He took everything materialist, house, furniture, pots/pans etc. (and I didn't put up a fight). All I wanted was my son. And I got him, full legal and physical custody. With no fight or battle.

I stayed in Alaska in the house, he moved out and eventually when I had the courage I moved. Did I go home? No. I moved to a place I knew no one and had nothing. Where did I choose? Kansas! 

And since then I've been in Kansas.

Starting over. Starting fresh.

I hope this blog will at least provide some inspiration, support or help for people going through this. Starting over it hard, but it’s doable. The first step is just accepting to move on.