Oh The Bad Days!!

Sometimes I wonder if life is just a bad joke, then I remember that the day will eventually be over. I've found the hardest part about not having a significant other, is those days... The bad ones. Those days like yesterday, Maniac Monday as my co-worker calls it. The kind of day that at 10AM, crawling under your desk is the most reasonable request at the time. Maniac Monday. Boy was it just a disaster. As if it being Monday wasn't bad enough, work was just chaotic. This is pretty normal. After work, I picked up my almost two year old from day care. He was all happy as usual. The moment we got to the car, all hell broke loose. The crying and tantrum started, and not just little screams here and there. He was screaming, top of the lungs, red in the face, gasping for air screaming. After already having an iffy crappy day, I was just not in the mood. Half way on our drive home, I gave in. Usually Landon will calm down after a call to Grandma, and her awful singing voice. But couldn't reach grandma, and in all honesty the thought of hearing her terrible singing was not making me any less stressed. So I did what any, overly stressed, borderline breakdown, single mom would do. I called for reinforcement, to the ex-husband. Does it happen often, absolutely not. I do try to keep them in contact, but he's so busy, I gave up. So in hopes maybe hearing his dad would calm him down, I called the ex-husband. Thankfully, he answered, after a 5 minute conversation with his dad, the kiddo calmed down. For those five minutes. And so it began, more screaming.

We got home, with a still screaming kid. Of course once we were home, the tantrum got worse. The terrible twos, let’s throw ourselves on the floor, kick and scream kind. But sure, dinner still had to be made. So with my kid having problems, dinner got started. Of course I had to try to me mom of the year, with semi-homemade soup, an extreme salad with a dozen ingredients, chicken nuggets for the kiddo, and a side of veggies. Half way through dinner, once the blender was plugged in. Sparks started shooting out, blew a fuse or two, and half of my kitchen was then useless. Thankfully dinner was pretty much done, I was terrified, and Landon was still screaming. At this point, wine and crying sounded amazing. But no breakdown, a quick Facebook vent about wanting my friends, and got back to the nightmare. Landon went to be an hour early that night, I needed the break. I was more frustrated than helpful and I needed the quiet before I lost my mind. I don't think I ever felt like I needed help this bad, until last night. It was just one thing after another, and it didn't stop. In Alaska, when life got chaotic, I called the best friend or the group of Sisters as I'll call them. Either way, whoever I called, one of two things happened. Option 1: They came over, took Landon to play, and gave me time alone. Option 2(This was was more of a every other day type deal): I called them, they would invite me over with my hysterical son, provide me dinner, and much needed quiet time or crying time. Regardless, I always felt better after it all. And I always had them to call for help. I didn't have that. Sure I could call who ever I wanted. I didn't have anyone to come save me, or go run to in order to be fed. I survived, barely, but I did.

When I would have usually downed half a bottle of wine, I didn't even open the wine. Maybe I felt like it would of been out of control, or maybe I just knew it wouldn't solve anything. Instead of drinking, I got some motivation from some super healthy, fit, motivational, Army Wives. (I still talk to Army wives). That’s right! I worked out. And worked out is quite the understatement, I was angry, frustrated and stressed. I tried a new type of work out, HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training). After 45 minutes of pushing myself, more than ever. I felt amazing, no stress and not upset anymore. It was a high, feeling like I achieved something, and proved myself wrong. Sure, I pushed myself to muscle failure, but apparently it's awesome for your body to get muscle failure 2 times a week. (I'm not a doctor so don't take any advice from me, but it was AWESOME!).

There I was, soaked in sweat, excited and feeling amazing. I didn't think going to bed on a good note was possible, but I went to bed in a great mood and ready to take on what Tuesday had to offer. I felt awful for putting Landon to bed in a bad mood, so I went into his room, got him out of his crib, hugged him, gave kisses and said "I'm sorry". And back to sleep he went. I felt so much better, and no one went to sleep on bad terms.

What I learned, was more valuable than anything before. I don't need my friends to come save me, yes they are amazing to call and vent to, and cry to. But in the end, it is just me and Landon. And I won't get those breaks, or the help from a husband. But, I don't need them. I can do it, on my own.

The Move That Changed Our Lives

There I was early April, packing my bags preparing for the move of a lifetime. The hardest part wasn't leaving my husband at the time. It was leaving my friends. The friends that I went through pregnancy, deployment, and the hardest times of my life with. The friends that helped raise my newborn, helped through the failing marriage, and kept my spirits high.  The week before I left was full of packing, a lot of it. And a good bye surprise party hosted by the most amazing friends. Early April morning, my best friend came to pick us up and a ton of stuff. Thankfully, she had the Suburban, that was pushing it. Only a best friend would pick up her broken hearted friend, her one year old son, a dog, cat, stroller, car sear, three bags of luggage, diaper bag, and a huge backpack. I cried at the airport, I couldn't believe I was saying good bye to my best friend, and life. For the past three years, all I knew was the military life style. Saying goodbye. I looked like a crazy person, stressed out checking in, baby still with my best friend as she said 'see you later' to him. It was chaos and one of the most stressful moments in my life. Once checked in, I went to get my son, holding back tears and hugged my best friend one last time. I couldn't believe it, I was getting on a plane and leaving the life I once had and starting over. 

I found a place to live rent free, was it ideal no but it worked. Am I going to get into it, maybe at another time. But I got a job about a week and a half after being in KS. After a few months working I finally had the money to move. I found a duplex and rented it. So here I am, my almost two year old and I. Working full time, he is in a daycare that I can barely afford and we're making it work. 

There are so many possibilities that the future holds. It won't be easy, but it will all happen in time. And eventually I will find the happiness once again. Until then, I will continue enjoying every moment I have with my son, working hard and pushing myself to grow as a mom and individual every day. 

In the Beginning

Divorce. No one thinks they are going to be going through one. Ever. Most people tell themselves they won't go through it. I was one of those people. I always told myself I won't get divorced. I'll make it work. Well, I was wrong. 

I got married fast. To a man I barely knew. Yes that was my mistake, but he was this 'amazing' Army Soldier. He was everything I didn't have in the past, the good boy. I always went for the bad boys. He was different. There was no engagement. We woke up on December 9, 2012. Rolled over and said "lets get married". So we did. We went to the courthouse, where the judge called him cheap for not having a ring.

The first year of marriage he was rarely home. He was a Drill Sergeant, working pathetic hours. How could we fight if we weren’t together, well we didn't. I was working full time and he was practically living at work. The normal thing for Drill Sergeants. Year two wasn't bad. The fighting started, but we figured it was stress. There were problems with finances or lack there of, miscommunication, lying, a short separation and well a pregnancy. I was over joyed with the pregnancy; he was scared. While in Alabama, we tried a few separate times to see a marriage counselor. But there was always an excuse on why he couldn't go. I ended up giving up about the fixing the marriage at that point and accepted that’s how it was supposed to be. During all of these 'fun' marriage problems and pregnancy, he got orders to Alaska. 

We packed up and moved across the Country. To Alaska... Talk about wanting to kill each other. Pregnancy, stress, an already semi-broken marriage is stressful enough. Add 3 dogs, a cat and a drive that lasted over a week and a half, in a Jetta. Not ideal if you ask anyone. 

Once in Alaska, he got deployment orders. Add deployment to the mix of chaos. And more tension, lack of communication and more issues arose. I didn't want to be the wife that filed for divorce during deployment, or while pregnant with our child. I wanted to make it work. Well during deployment he got injured. His vehicle drove over an IED and he ended up with Traumatic Brain Injury. Completed the 10 month deployment though and came home with the rest of the brigade.

After a rocky homecoming, awkwardness and just more tension because he felt he was fine when in reality he needed to take his injury more seriously. It was a few months of a lot of fighting, resentment and just an even worse marriage then before. We both did the "lets make it work for our son" deal. Well that didn't work and it was a joke to think we would put our son through the fighting we went though together. 

Soon after, we filed for divorce. Nothing messy, we agreed on everything. He took everything materialist, house, furniture, pots/pans etc. (and I didn't put up a fight). All I wanted was my son. And I got him, full legal and physical custody. With no fight or battle.

I stayed in Alaska in the house, he moved out and eventually when I had the courage I moved. Did I go home? No. I moved to a place I knew no one and had nothing. Where did I choose? Kansas! 

And since then I've been in Kansas.

Starting over. Starting fresh.

I hope this blog will at least provide some inspiration, support or help for people going through this. Starting over it hard, but it’s doable. The first step is just accepting to move on.