Sure, divorce sucks.. Who am I kidding.. Divorce Fucking sucks.. Theres no sugar coating it, or saying it was easy. Because its not. Divorce Sucks. Got it? Get it? Now Move on.
There is so much you can dwell about divorce. But there is so much more to be happy about. Thankful even.
My marriage wasn't the greatest. It was more convenience than happiness, and more of settling than love. But I don't regret it. Not yesterday. Not now. Not even tomorrow or the days to come. Yes, even though it ended in divorce. I wouldn't do it over.
Why you ask?
Well..
Had I not gotten married behind my parents back December 9, 2009. (They received a text message that I got married. To someone they never even met, let alone even knew I was dating). I probably would still be an excessive partier, working two worthless jobs. Yes two worthless jobs, one at 7:30am at a old folks home making breakfast for people who screamed if the eggs weren't perfectly round or didn't look the same as yesterday. And one pretty awesome job, yet worthless at a bar. Didn't get off work until 3am. After work, I hung out, drank and did it over again.
Before getting married, I was chaos. I had no clue what I wanted in life (yes, I still don't know, but I have a whole lot more passion, motivation and hell even some sort of direction). I was dating the same people over and over again getting nowhere. Hurting people because I didn't know what the hell I wanted. Broke the same guys heart a dozen or so times because I was just so young, dumb and confused.
Marriage changed me. It took 3 years. In those three years I went through more than I did my entire life. Three years that not only made me find who I really was, but made me grow up. In those three years, I lived the best years of my life. And the worst.
Three years. So much can happen. Heres a quick summary. Almost set our kitchen on fire. Hit rock bottom (and yes, want to kill myself rock bottom), a whole lot of therapy.. (lots of it and I am not ashamed of it), about 3 different times we separated, a move across country from Alabama to Alaska, then 2 more moves in Alaska, pregnancy, deployment, injuries during deployment including TBI, a dog that was killed and finally.... Divorce. And yet another two moves.
Why don't I regret it since there was so much negative life events. Because it made me who I am today. Strong.
I don't dwell about it. I most definitely don't regret it.
During the three years as an "Army Wife". I became independent. I learned not to rely on others to get something done. I learned that if I wanted something, I needed to figure out a way to do it. Being an Army wife, gave me amazing opportunities. How many people can travel the US and live in amazing locations like Alaska and not have to worry about finding a job there?
Why don't I regret divorce?
Because I have so much to be thankful for and so many people who I would of never met otherwise.
The friends I met during those three years, are now considered my family. They lost the word friend quickly and became sisters. They got my through the hardest times of my life, and the best times of my life. These girls not only helped me grow as a person, they helped raise my son. If you were to ask my son who raised him, he'd easily have 7 motherly figures to thank.
There is no way I could regret the reason that I made these friends, or the reason that I have a son to raise. Sure I'm doing it 'alone', but I'm really not. I am thankful for everything I have gone through in order to be where I am today.
If I didn't get married. I wouldn't be strong, independent, passionate, motivated and courageous. I wouldn't have the desire to try new things, and push myself harder and towards new goals.
If I didn't get married, I wouldn't of gotten divorced. And then I wouldn't be me. And I can finally say, I am so happy with who I am today. I thank my ex-husband for forcing me (unknowingly of course) that I am strong and I can do whatever I put my mind to. I don't need anyone to be happy. Because I am happier than ever, and in the best place of my life.
You just got to make the best of what life throws your way. Move forward. And move on. You determine your happiness.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Juggling Life and adding more
There comes a time when I get into these moods about being proactive about life, and making changes.
Sure, I'm on my health kick once again. You know, join every fitness blog, Facebook page, buy every product on the shelf recommended and go full force.
Well, the fitness obsession might actually stay. It's a huge stress relief and losing 9 1/2 pounds since August isn't bad either. Sure, life kinda helped. You know the raising a son alone, barely eating because of a few reasons. Some of these reasons can include:
1) Forgetting to eat, because every time I go to make my food, my one year old is flipping shit.
2) Not having money to eat (yes I could eat ramen noodles or what not, but hell I'm vegetarian and picky as hell).
3) Just not even wanting to.
But, now that finances are in order, and food is usually in my fridge, if not then I'm just to lazy to drag a pissed off, terrible twos toddler, into a grocery store (Let alone in public).
Anyways, recently I've been thinking about going to school again. I have 52 credits towards my ridiculous goal of getting a dual bachelors in Business and Sociology. Lets just say wishful thinking. So I get all excited, pepped up and research classes, costs etc.
Then I wake up the next day, 4:30 am. Start my day. Deal with my psycho, hyped up dog. Feed my crying cat who is all up in my face until she gets what she wants and gives me her attitude until she gets it. Once 5am comes, I am finally getting my coffee and becoming human. Shower, get ready, etc. By 6:30 my son is awake, usually screaming, crying and throwing himself on the floor until he gets juice. (Recently he has been throwing himself into the fridge and dangling himself from the handle). Leave the house by 7am. Etc. Head to work. Deal with that excitement. And then repeat the morning but at night. A few tantrums, trying to make dinner. And getting my son to bed by 7:30. Every night.
(This would be a good day, usually it's barely get out of bed at 6:30. Be lucky to get old coffee reheated, and brush my teeth, throw hair in bun and get kid all cute).
After my ridiculous days, I think. When the hell would I get time to even go to school. My life as usual revolves around someone else. Sure, before I was a mom I was an Army Wife. And no it didn't define me, but it sure as hell decided where I would be, and how long I'd be there. Now, my focus is my son. As much as I would love to go back to school, I think to myself.... How?! How the heck am I going to make time for it, dedicate myself to it. I barely stay awake past 9pm now.
Sure, this might seem like a rant post. But it's not. It's that being a single mom isn't about yourself. It's about your child, and the person you want them to become. I think, if I added another thing to my list, I would get frustrated.
Tonight, instead of reading, showering or doing something for myself. I sat with my hysterical son, coughing so much, to the point of throwing up. Reminding myself, that he is my life. The reason I want to be around. The reason I started working out so hard and pushing myself more so than yesterday.
My 25 pound, semi-healthy son. He is my world. He is worth putting my life on hold for. Sure things will eventually settle down, and I will put myself first. But right now, he is my focus. And that's okay. I don't want to be juggling life and more. I want to be able to watch him grow up. And I want to be able to put stuff aside to rock him to sleep, even though he can't stand the snuggles.
Is it the life I envisioned for myself. No...
But I wouldn't change it for the world. And I don't mind putting my life on hold in order to not miss my sons. Every day he is changing, growing and becoming a little bit older, wiser and more independent. In the blink of an eye, he won't be what he was yesterday.
Sure, I'm on my health kick once again. You know, join every fitness blog, Facebook page, buy every product on the shelf recommended and go full force.
Well, the fitness obsession might actually stay. It's a huge stress relief and losing 9 1/2 pounds since August isn't bad either. Sure, life kinda helped. You know the raising a son alone, barely eating because of a few reasons. Some of these reasons can include:
1) Forgetting to eat, because every time I go to make my food, my one year old is flipping shit.
2) Not having money to eat (yes I could eat ramen noodles or what not, but hell I'm vegetarian and picky as hell).
3) Just not even wanting to.
But, now that finances are in order, and food is usually in my fridge, if not then I'm just to lazy to drag a pissed off, terrible twos toddler, into a grocery store (Let alone in public).
Anyways, recently I've been thinking about going to school again. I have 52 credits towards my ridiculous goal of getting a dual bachelors in Business and Sociology. Lets just say wishful thinking. So I get all excited, pepped up and research classes, costs etc.
Then I wake up the next day, 4:30 am. Start my day. Deal with my psycho, hyped up dog. Feed my crying cat who is all up in my face until she gets what she wants and gives me her attitude until she gets it. Once 5am comes, I am finally getting my coffee and becoming human. Shower, get ready, etc. By 6:30 my son is awake, usually screaming, crying and throwing himself on the floor until he gets juice. (Recently he has been throwing himself into the fridge and dangling himself from the handle). Leave the house by 7am. Etc. Head to work. Deal with that excitement. And then repeat the morning but at night. A few tantrums, trying to make dinner. And getting my son to bed by 7:30. Every night.
(This would be a good day, usually it's barely get out of bed at 6:30. Be lucky to get old coffee reheated, and brush my teeth, throw hair in bun and get kid all cute).
After my ridiculous days, I think. When the hell would I get time to even go to school. My life as usual revolves around someone else. Sure, before I was a mom I was an Army Wife. And no it didn't define me, but it sure as hell decided where I would be, and how long I'd be there. Now, my focus is my son. As much as I would love to go back to school, I think to myself.... How?! How the heck am I going to make time for it, dedicate myself to it. I barely stay awake past 9pm now.
Sure, this might seem like a rant post. But it's not. It's that being a single mom isn't about yourself. It's about your child, and the person you want them to become. I think, if I added another thing to my list, I would get frustrated.
Tonight, instead of reading, showering or doing something for myself. I sat with my hysterical son, coughing so much, to the point of throwing up. Reminding myself, that he is my life. The reason I want to be around. The reason I started working out so hard and pushing myself more so than yesterday.
My 25 pound, semi-healthy son. He is my world. He is worth putting my life on hold for. Sure things will eventually settle down, and I will put myself first. But right now, he is my focus. And that's okay. I don't want to be juggling life and more. I want to be able to watch him grow up. And I want to be able to put stuff aside to rock him to sleep, even though he can't stand the snuggles.
Is it the life I envisioned for myself. No...
But I wouldn't change it for the world. And I don't mind putting my life on hold in order to not miss my sons. Every day he is changing, growing and becoming a little bit older, wiser and more independent. In the blink of an eye, he won't be what he was yesterday.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
A Month of Thanks...and Cooking!
Usually in November, Facebook statuses are filled with 30 days of thanks. Sure, I think it's great that everyone says what they are thankful for. Although, I suck at commitments like that, so I don't even try. Although, there is one thing I am beyond thankful for. Yesterday, while messing around in the kitchen, making a fancy, unusual type of special breakfast, I was thinking. I was so thankful that I was able to find my way around the kitchen. Coming from a family that built the most incredible dream kitchen, complete with two microwaves. Only to use the two microwaves. (Yes this is true!)
Back in grade school I was asked what I was thankful for. Being young and well honest, I said "Jerry's Deli and take-out". Jerry's Deli was a restaurant that delivered to my house growing up often and well take-out, yea thats pretty to the point. Growing up was microwaved dinners, take-out and Jerry's Deli. No home cooked meals, unless we were at someone's house for dinner.
Here's the thing, in twenty-somthing years, my parents have never cooked for me. It wasn't because we didn't have money, or because they were to busy. No. It's because my mom and dad couldn't cook if their lives depended on it. They know it, family knows it. Everyone pretty much knows that if it's a pot luck, mom would bring a frozen yogurt pie and her 'homemade Cesar salad'. My dad's cooking was pasta, sometimes burnt but still edible.
Earlier this month my mom came to visit for a week. The week that when my mom was here, my son lived on turkey sandwiches, string cheese and pretzels. (Giving a toddler pretzels is probably one of the grossest, messiest foods). Of course my mom felt like super grandma, taking care of her precious grandson she barely sees. While feeding him one of his gourmet turkey sandwich meals, she makes the comment of the century. "This is more than I cooked for you in 27 years". Yep, even she knew she didn't cook, and sucked at it.
Besides the fun background, I am able to find my way around the kitchen. Am I good at it? That's questionable.
Sure, when I first got married, I tried to be super wife. Complete with cooking home made egg rolls, and set our kitchen on fire. Ended up in the ER, then driving to the opposite side of Georgia for surgery on my hand and side. But I tried. Sure it was an awful way to start our marriage, not even 3 months into it. We got married in December of 2009, this was February. I'm pretty sure my ex-husband was horrified of what he just married.
It took months for me to feel safe in the kitchen. Eventually I sucked it up and started easy (microwave and oven). A few years later, divorce and a kid. I figured it's time to learn.
Yes, I don't eat meat anymore. I also have to figure out toddler friendly foods for a picky eater, with insane allergies to food. But it's doable.
I have my handy dandy cook books, and a toddler willing to accept his mom is not a chef.
We aren't starving. Yes, the fire alarm goes off daily (No this is not a joke). And Yes, it's sometimes burnt or under cooked. But I try, and we are fed.
I am thankful. I am thankful I am willing to try. I'm thankful I don't have my moms 'wonderful' cooking skills. I'm thankful that I figured out how to grow up, figure out allergy friendly, low fat foods for us. I'm thankful for nap time to prep foods and meal plan.
All in all. I'm thankful for cooking. It keeps me sane.
Who would of thought. After the history I've had with cooking, that it would be one of the most important aspects of my life.
Back in grade school I was asked what I was thankful for. Being young and well honest, I said "Jerry's Deli and take-out". Jerry's Deli was a restaurant that delivered to my house growing up often and well take-out, yea thats pretty to the point. Growing up was microwaved dinners, take-out and Jerry's Deli. No home cooked meals, unless we were at someone's house for dinner.
Here's the thing, in twenty-somthing years, my parents have never cooked for me. It wasn't because we didn't have money, or because they were to busy. No. It's because my mom and dad couldn't cook if their lives depended on it. They know it, family knows it. Everyone pretty much knows that if it's a pot luck, mom would bring a frozen yogurt pie and her 'homemade Cesar salad'. My dad's cooking was pasta, sometimes burnt but still edible.
Earlier this month my mom came to visit for a week. The week that when my mom was here, my son lived on turkey sandwiches, string cheese and pretzels. (Giving a toddler pretzels is probably one of the grossest, messiest foods). Of course my mom felt like super grandma, taking care of her precious grandson she barely sees. While feeding him one of his gourmet turkey sandwich meals, she makes the comment of the century. "This is more than I cooked for you in 27 years". Yep, even she knew she didn't cook, and sucked at it.
Besides the fun background, I am able to find my way around the kitchen. Am I good at it? That's questionable.
Sure, when I first got married, I tried to be super wife. Complete with cooking home made egg rolls, and set our kitchen on fire. Ended up in the ER, then driving to the opposite side of Georgia for surgery on my hand and side. But I tried. Sure it was an awful way to start our marriage, not even 3 months into it. We got married in December of 2009, this was February. I'm pretty sure my ex-husband was horrified of what he just married.
It took months for me to feel safe in the kitchen. Eventually I sucked it up and started easy (microwave and oven). A few years later, divorce and a kid. I figured it's time to learn.
Yes, I don't eat meat anymore. I also have to figure out toddler friendly foods for a picky eater, with insane allergies to food. But it's doable.
I have my handy dandy cook books, and a toddler willing to accept his mom is not a chef.
We aren't starving. Yes, the fire alarm goes off daily (No this is not a joke). And Yes, it's sometimes burnt or under cooked. But I try, and we are fed.
I am thankful. I am thankful I am willing to try. I'm thankful I don't have my moms 'wonderful' cooking skills. I'm thankful that I figured out how to grow up, figure out allergy friendly, low fat foods for us. I'm thankful for nap time to prep foods and meal plan.
All in all. I'm thankful for cooking. It keeps me sane.
Who would of thought. After the history I've had with cooking, that it would be one of the most important aspects of my life.
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